Political Satire: The Old Man of the Mountain

[reedak]

Narrator: The priest was riding a white horse like the wind towards the old man's mountain stronghold. On the way, he found some people queuing outside a large building. The priest dismounted his horse and asked one of the persons in the queue what they were queuing for. The person told him they were queuing to hear the verdict of a controversial adultery case. As so many people were interested in the case, the court limited the audience to a privileged few who were willing to pay an astronomical price to hear the verdict as public observers.

As the priest was curious about the case, he tied his horse to a tree and paid the owner of a nearby shop to look after it. He joined the queue to pay for a seat in the public gallery at the back of the courtroom. As to how "astronomical" was the price of the seat, it was anybody's guess. A short while after everybody had seated in the courtroom, the jury foreman of a five-member arbitral tribunal read out the verdict.

Jury foreman: Before I announce the ruling of the arbitral tribunal, let me go briefly over the case. The arbitration of the adultery case was unilaterally initiated by the supposed adulterer. The plaintiff accused the supposed husband of assault. For some unknown reason, the supposed husband refused to participate in the arbitration, but the tribunal rules that it has jurisdiction over the case. Here are the key points of the tribunal's findings:

Firstly, the supposed husband, the defendant in this adultery case, had unlawfully created a "serious risk of collision" when he physically obstructed the meeting between his supposed spouse and the supposed adulterer.

Secondly, the defendant had aggravating the dispute recently by assaulting the supposed adulterer, the plaintiff in the case, even kicking him down the stairs.

Thirdly, the tribunal found the defendant had violated the plaintiff's absolute rights in this region by interfering with his courtship of a supposed married woman.

Fourthly, the defendant had harmed the "biological body environment" of his supposed wife by forcefeeding her with a lot of sexual arousal drugs.

[reedak]

Fifthly, the defendant seems to have been unable to understand that the Mountain Convention on the Law of Marriage (MCLOM) was intended to establish a body of rules that is to be interpreted and applied by all clan members of the Mountain in the same manner, notwithstanding any age-old custom and cultural tradition.

He does not seem to understand that MCLOM provides that all unmarried clan members have the absolute right to enter into courtship and marriage with all other unmarried clan members of the opposite sex, and that it was not compatible with the MCLOM for the defendant to assert the legality of his marriage to an age-old wedding ceremony and a traditional wedding banquet.

Under MCLOM, every marriage must be legalised by a marriage certificate and the exchange of vows. Moreover, the defendant claimed that he married his supposed wife in their homeland before immigrating here. To the extent that the defendant claimed age-old customs, cultural traditions, foreign laws and right of privacy as basis for the legality and rights of his marriage, such legality and rights were "extinguished" when he acceded to MCLOM in order to become a clan member of the Mountain. In short, when a person becomes a party to MCLOM, he agrees in advance to a system of compulsory dispute settlement that can result in a final and binding decision by an arbitral tribunal.

Lastly, the defendant had "permanently destroyed" evidence of the natural conditions of his sexual organs after surgery for prostate cancer. He had "violated" his obligations not to remove any part of his reproductive system under MCLOM.

Some people have pointed out the legality of same-sex marriage in certain foreign countries. However, MCLOM is quite similar to the Christian view of marriage which is a sacred union between two individuals of opposite sex.

[reedak]

Mark 10:6-9

“But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

The arbitral tribunal has found out from the defendant's medical records that he has been impotent for many years due to diabetes after immigrating here. Due to his impotence, he could not exercise his "biological right" as a husband to "become one flesh" with his supposed wife. There is no evidence that the defendant had married his supposed wife or "exercised exclusive control" over her body. Furthermore, the supposed wife has disclosed to the tribunal that she had sexual relations with several men before living with the supposed husband. Under MCLOM, the defendant is disqualified as a man and husband. Hence his supposed spouse can only be regarded as his roommate.

As the couple are legally single under MCLOM, the supposed adulterer, the plaintiff in this case, has the absolute right to freely woo and marry the defendant's roommate. There are rumours that our Supreme Leader, the Old Man of the Mountain, has flouted convention by using face powder and wearing earrings, eye makeup, red nail polish, lipstick and a bra. However, I have to remind everyone here that our dear leader is a true macho with many children, more grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and a lot more great-great-grandchildren.

Under MCLOM, a clan member needs to have a perfect reproductive system before he or she can claim the legality of the marriage. You need to have a perfect reproductive system before you can have the right to marry a spouse of the opposite sex. It’s as simple as that. You cannot just have the right to marry if you don't have the natural ability or God's gift to generate life and extend the family tree. This is true and natural for all living things in the universe.

The final verdict: The defendant has no right to prevent his roommate from entering into courtship and marriage with the plaintiff or any other people.

In conclusion, we have a few words for the defendant. We expect you to comply with the arbitral tribunal's ruling. The world is watching to see whether you are really the "junzi" or "superior person" you profess yourself to be. Failing to comply with the arbitral tribunal's decision would damage your image and reputation. You will be seen as a rising celebrity with little respect for law or "the legal order for the Mountain".

[reedak]

Narrator: The priest left the courtroom with all other people after hearing the verdict. Outside the courtroom, there were many comments about the arbitral tribunal's ruling such as:

(a) "The verdict marks a 'humiliating defeat' for the husband as 'he has lost on almost every point'."

(b) "The tribunal has delivered a sweeping rebuke on the husband's behaviour."

(c) "The husband has lost face."

(d) "The verdict is a big slap on the husband's face and a big win for the adulterer."

(e) "The verdict is a major blow for the husband."

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(f) "It’s an overwhelming victory for the adulterer who wins on every significant point."

(g) "The arbitral tribunal's ruling is a 'game changer' and will be studied by law students and legal experts for years to come."

(h) "The verdict effectively punches a series of holes in the legality of the impotent husband's marriage."

(i) "The verdict rejects the husband's claims to his marriage rights."

(j) "The verdict effectively declares that the adulteress is still single with the right to freely enter into courtship and marriage with any other men including the adulterer."

[reedak]

To the priest, the ruling by the Mountain Court of Arbitration was a farce or "the Rashomon of the Century", being characterized by differing perspectives or interpretations. He mounted his horse and sped off in the direction of the Old Man's mountain, leaving a cloud of dust behind him. On the way, he found an old man sitting on a high wall of a large building.

Priest: Hi, Old Man of the Mountain! Glad to find you here!

Old man: No, I am not the Old Man of the Mountain. I am his twin brother.

Priest: You're just pulling my leg. You really resemble the Old Man of the Mountain.

[reedak]

Old man: If I were my twin brother, I would have the super magic power to fly like a bird over the wall. I would not have ended up in this precarious position, thinking how to jump down safely to enter my summer resort through the back door.

Priest: Why didn't you enter the building through the main entrance?

Old man: I am running a four-yearly election against my twin brother for the position of Lord of the Mountain. Thousands of protesters are blocking the main entrance to my summer resort as they turned violent against my proposed ban on immigration of a certain religious group and deportation of all illegal immigrants from the region. I detoured around the walls to the back of the building, so that I could sneak inside by climbing over this wall.

Priest: If your election campaign continues to be dogged by protesters, I suggest that you should take up some parkour lessons to negotiate the rough roads ahead, otherwise you may end up like the character in my "haiku".

High wall,
Humpty Dumpty falls,
Boom!

[reedak]

Old man: What rubbish are you reciting? Don't be such a tease.

Priest: Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. Seeing you sitting precariously on the wall just reminds me of Humpty Dumpty.

By the way, why are you feeding your voter base with a lot of empty slogans and fiery rhetoric? This is a really serious job. This is not entertainment. This is not a reality show. This is a contest for the pinnacle of power.

Old man: I have never succeeded in all my previous elections even though I spoke with careful word choices. Now I am trying a new strategy to jolt the electorate into awareness with courageous and candid remarks on several important issues.

Anyway, I don't have any more time for your nonsense. I have to jump down now. High on the wall, I can see some protesters coming towards us. I don't want them to witness my embarrassing situation. Goodbye!

Narrator: After saying those words, the old man jumped down with a boom. Whether he was still alive and kicking would remain a mystery at least for the time being. With his horse breaking into a furious gallop, the priest continued his journey towards the mountain fortress.

[exploited]

Wrap it up bro, very few here are going to read that much.

[exploited]