This will piss you off a lot so I'm gonna do it.
Shower: use very nice shampoo and conditioner for my hair and separate shampoo and conditioner for my beard. Exfoliating facial wash followed by a non-exfoliating facial wash. Regular soap followed by exfoliating soap.
Shave: use a DE razor and a badger hair brush with some nice shaving soap from the grand ol UK. Followed by a beard moisturizer, a regular moisturizer for the rest of my face, aftershave and a splash or two of cologne on my neck. Pomade my hair while the moisturizers sink in then use a boar hair brush and a comb on my beard. Floss, brush my teeth with teeth-whitening tooth paste and a teeth-whitening add-on from Arm & Hammer, then a teeth-whitening mouthwash.
Takes about an hour, then another half hour to choose the appropriate clothing combo. Then I'm off to hit the day!