Taking Care of Parents

[exploited]

At some point in a persons early 20s, they come to the realization that their parents are, in fact, human beings... and that they have been successfully hiding their real concerns and problems from you for years. At least mine did. Financial problems, health problems, issues between family members... my parents didn't want to concern me with that stuff. Now that I'm older, though, I want to take part in those decisions, and be kept informed about my parents health and well-being.

Recently, I've noticed a few things about my dad that concerns me. When we go on sales calls, I've seen him get confused in ways that are unlike him. It is just little things. But he is a very sharp dude, and it bothers me. I can't help but think about something like Alzheimers.

Basically, I want to encourage him to get checked out by a doctor, while still respecting his role as head of the family. I don't want him to feel as if he is being patronized, and I'm not entirely sure how to bring something like this up. It is easier to get on my moms case about her health, but I've never had to get on my dads case... and like most men his age, he can be a stubborn SOB if he wants to be.

For those with similar experiences... how did you do it? How did you frame your concern? Any help appreciated.

[John Galt]

stop being such a helicopter child

my father is extremely forgetful, although most of the time i think he is acting that way so he gets out of stuff. then again, i feel like i've had the same conversation with him about just about every book that we've both read roughly 5 times, if i talk to him on the phone. he just forgets who he had previously had the conversation with i suppose which is okay. i don't think it's alzheimers. what is "confusing" with your father? like actually confused, or he forgets things?

[exploited]

Actually confused. The latest incident was about a McDonalds coupon. It was a two for one thing... but for some reason he just didn't get it, but he couldn't express what exactly he thought it meant. He was getting frustrated at the guy behind the counter, and I intervened and said no, dad, he's right. He brought it up after we were done eating, saying that he really didn't know what he was thinking about at the time.

This is very, very unlike him. He is an incredible businessman and is very smart. I've never seen him that confused in my life, and over something that was very simple to understand. I could tell it bothered him too.

Basically I don't want to be a helicopter child that nags... but I want him to get checked out. How to approach?

[exploited]

In a nutshell, how do you tell someone that you think their mind is slipping and something might be wrong... without insulting their dignity or intelligence?

[John Galt]

alzheimers is more forgetting things, especially more recent things as opposed to just forgetting things from the past because you haven't really thought about them in 5 decades. like if he says something like "when did they change the 20 looney bill?" and you say "uh, in november... weve talked about it, i showed you it before, we thought, wow, they must be smart to not use the national symbol because it's so easy to reproduce sugar maple leaves as opposed to norway maple. remember?" "no"

then yeah...

but what you describe is more of some sort of mental clouding. this confusion i think is associated with later stage alzheimers simply because they don't remember so much. he wasn't able to understand the coupon. people with late alzhiemer's can still read. they can still think enough to play like, checkers with, because the rules are simple and they probably learned it as a child and the board is as it is

my father, like i said, is forgetful. my mother has at times said she thinks he has lyme disease, but i assume he has been checked because she hasn't said that in a long time. but the reason she said that is it that could cause stuff like confusion (i have never seen my father confused like what you describe though) and forgetfulness, and, unlike alzheimers, is treatable to some extent. because of this, i would just be blunt and point out the multiple times he has seemed confused and that he should see a doctor, tell the doctor about the incidents, and look at various possible causes. it could be old age. it could be a disease. it could be alzhiemers, but i wouldn't jump to that horrible conclusion. it could just be one of those times when you know something and are just completely dumbfounded and unable to express yourself. i believe technical term is brain fart

[John Galt]

if my kid brought in pamphlets about something that he thinks is wrong with me i'd want to wring his f**k neck

[exploited]

[John Galt]

if my kid brought me pamphlets about something that he thinks is wrong with my spouse i'd want to wring his f**k neck

pamphlets say "you look like an idiot, here, have this, it's mostly pictures". i think it's fine to talk to his mom about it but pamphlets are always, i think, a very bad idea. about everything. they are given out by people trying to convert other people. that's their purpose. maybe i just hate pamphlets, but i think most people would probably have a similar reaction

[exploited]

[John Galt]

i often am paralyzed into inaction because i fear what the reaction would be if i said something to someone. like "you're fat and you really should lose weight". okay, bad example, that always ends terribly. but many times once your balls finally drop the reaction isn't bad. but it still is a difficult thing to broach.

if it's happening often enough, just wait for it to happen again and then talk about it if you want to talk to him directly. or do what em said, and talk to your mother.